10 years ago, I held a beautiful newborn baby girl in my arms. My baby girl. I was so young…15 to be exact. I was a freshman in high school, and my boyfriend had broken up with me as soon as he found out I was pregnant. The year my daughter was born was one of the hardest years of my life. Here’s my story…
Seeing that positive pregnancy test brought out a strong feeling of a lack of worth. I knew that I’d messed up and disappointed the people I loved. I was going to be a mom in a time of my life when most girls are concerned with acne and dieting. I was no longer the “good girl” I used to be.
I wondered, ‘Does God still love me?’
I felt ashamed, extremely guilty, and pretty uncertain. Being pregnant and unmarried had me feeling unredeemable, unlovable, and out of God’s good graces.
I didn’t feel God’s love. I felt alone. It was in one of those lonely moments that I took out my Bible to search for reassurance that God loved me. I believed He loved me unconditionally, but I still needed proof. I needed a reminder so I wouldn’t forget or doubt the reality of His love in my life.
I kept track of the verses that reminded me of how God loved me. After a few days, I had two college-ruled notebook pages full of Scripture to remind me of God’s love. I kept those pages with me all the time, folded up in my backpack, so I could look at them when I started to feel really alone again.
I learned to believe God’s love for me is unconditional. When I chose to have premarital sex, His acceptance of me didn’t die. His love is everlasting.
I turned to my youth pastor for guidance. I shared with her that I definitely wasn’t ready to be a mom at 15, but I didn’t believe in abortion either. She gently told me about a third pregnancy choice: adoption. At first, I just dismissed the idea. “I could never give my baby away!” I told her. But she sent me home with some info on adoption, and some booklets about couples who wanted a baby.
After lots of prayer and meditation, I came around to the idea of adoption. With adoption, I could save my baby’s life. Plus, I could bless a couple who couldn’t have a baby of their own. I picked a Christian adoptive couple in my state who are really involved in their church. I wanted my daughter to grow up in the church like I had. And I chose to have an open adoption, meaning that I got updates on her as she grew up. I was even able to fly out and visit her every year.
I wanted to share my story so that you don’t feel alone if you’re in a similar situation right now. Believe in His unconditional love for you, even if you’ve turned against His way.
We love because He first loved us
-1 John 4:19
God loves you unconditionally and doesn’t wait for you to come to Him with your life all figured out. Here’s a quick prayer:
At times, I struggle to believe You love me and You can save my story, the way it’s gone so far. I want to be exactly who You created me to be. Give me the assurance to believe in Your love for me and Your plan for my life.
In Jesus’ Name, Amen.