Adoption Myths Surrounding Birth Mothers

A myth, according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, is “a story that is usually of unknown origin and at least partially traditional, that ostensibly relates historical events usually of such character as to serve to explain some practice, belief, institution, or natural phenomenon.”
 
Myths develop because people do not know enough about a person or situation. Myths about birth mothers are no different.  Various sources have developed these myths, and society has turned them into a stereotype of a birth mother. For our purposes, let’s call her Mary.
 
If you believe all the myths about Mary, then she is a teenager who has made a mistake with her boyfriend and finds herself pregnant.  Because she is pregnant, she has dropped out of school. She lacks job skills, so she has to go on welfare because her parents kicked her out.  Mary does not want a baby and does not love the baby.  She thinks it will be nice to find a situation where she could be a co-parent, letting other people help her but see the baby every couple of weeks, just in case she wants him back.
 
Are most birth mothers really like Mary?  In a word, no.
 

The Most Common Myths About Birth Mothers

The portrayal of Mary presents an overview of the six most common myths and misconceptions about birth mothers.
 

Myth 1:  All birth mothers are teenagers.

Birth mothers’ ages encompass the range of childbearing years. Yes, some are teenagers, but there are also women in their forties who are pregnant and considering adoption.  The majority are in their twenties and thirties.
 

Myth 2:  They are choosing adoption so they must not love the baby.

The decision to place a child for adoption is an extremely difficult one, often made because the birth mother loves her child.  She often could have chosen an abortion, but, because she values the life of her baby, she has decided adoption is best for the child.
 
There are circumstances when a birth mother does not take care of herself because of a lack of self-love or other factors that may contribute to a self-loathing attitude.  Because of this, she does not get proper treatment, and the child may be born with problems associated with alcohol and/or drugs.
 

Myth 3:  All birth mothers are poor.

It is true that some birth mothers are on welfare and do not feel they can adequately provide for the baby.  It is also true that there are birth mothers coming from middle-class backgrounds.  They may already have children, may be attending college, or may live with their parents.  This applies to teenagers and older people alike.
 
The truth is typically somewhere in between.  Often, they feel like they are getting by but simply cannot provide for one more child in the midst of all they are already doing.
 

Myth 4:  Birth mothers are single.

Some are not married.  Some are married.  Marital status has little to do with whether or not a woman should consider adoption.  A woman should never decide to parent a baby simply because they are married.
 
Married couples often are surprised with an unplanned pregnancy.  For a struggling family, decisions such as this can be heart-wrenching and difficult, especially for a couple who cannot afford another child or whose relationship is strained to a near-breaking point already.
 

Myth 5:  Birth mothers have no education and no job skills.

Birth mothers may have college degrees, be attending school, or hold prominent positions. Most all have completed high school and have held jobs.  Many are currently parenting other children which can be a full-time job! Some may have learning disabilities that make it difficult for them in a school setting.
 

Myth 6:  Birth mothers want ongoing contact in case they change their minds.

Open adoption does not mean that the birth mother wants a co-parent.  With open adoption, the birth mother gets to know the people who are adopting the child.  Adoptive parents send the birth mother updates on her child as he or she grows up.  The adoptive parents make all parenting decisions. Through this process, the birth mother knows her child and has the peace of mind that she has made the right decision.
 
A birth mother has a certain time period in which she can revoke consent of the adoption, usually no more than 30 days.  After that, she can no longer change her mind.
 
So then what’s a typical birth mother like?
 
A typical birth mother is in her twenties, parenting other children, and wants a better life for her child than she can provide.  There may be a man in her life, but likely not one that is currently taking the role of an active dad to her kids.  She realizes that adoption is a difficult decision but she knows it is the best choice for this child.  She also knows that while ongoing contact may be painful sometimes, she needs the reassurance that her child is growing up happy, healthy, and with the family that she choose for him or her.
 

Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on September 21, 2011, and has since been updated.